on jealousy and judgement.jpg

On jealousy and judgement

Chloe’s face gets hot as her heart pounds and she uses all her energy to constrain herself from hitting her boyfriend in the face.

Adam seems to have forgotten about Chloe and he’s in his charming mode; sounds of playful delight bouncing between him and a tall, slim, brunette. Big dark brows, green seductive eyes, perky tits. She sounds Spanish.

The Brunette laughs loudly, holding a glass of champagne in one hand and lightly touching Adam’s arm with the other. Her dress, beautifully draped across her shoulders, cascades down her body, displaying curves in just the right places.

“A tequila, please.” Chloe asks the barman. She needs to numb this raging jealousy and make sure she looks nonchalant, at least until they get to the car.

“What the Fuccccckkkkkk is his problem?!” She shouts inside her head. “Doesn’t he see I’m standing right here?????? What the hell is he like when I’m not around?!”

She imagines how the evening would go if Adam had attended this party alone. Enthralled in the energetic aura of seduction; Adam would find The Brunette increasingly intelligent, sexy, and funny with every laugh they shared. Watching them is like watching two people engaging in foreplay. Chloe shudders at the thought of them hooking up at the end of the night.

Before leaving the house that evening, Chloe put on a dress she used to love, but lately fits just a little bit tight. She put on make-up, did her hair, and asked Adam if she looked okay about 5 times. Each time, he insisted, “You look beautiful!” But she worried that maybe she was too fat for this dress. Who was she kidding still trying to fit into it? She tried other outfits but nothing felt good, so she settled on the black dress she’s wearing now. Since arriving at the party she’s been convinced that everyone can see she’s just managed to squeeze into the dress. She wishes she’d worn something different… or better yet, that they hadn’t come to this stupid party at all.

Chloe licks the salt off her hand, downs the tequila and bites into the lemon. That salty, burning and sour, feel amazing in comparison to the betrayal that’s growing within her chest. She examines The Brunette closer and sees that her nipples show ever so slightly through her dress. “What a slut”, Chloe consoles herself, “she’s desperate for it.”

                          *                                   *                                    *                                   *

If Chloe’s honest with herself, The Brunette looks damn good. The issue is that Chloe doesn’t feel attractive at all at the moment and hasn’t felt attractive for a long time.

It’s this disassociation – this belief Chloe holds that she is not as sexy, intelligent and attractive as this other woman – that makes The Brunette seem so threatening. If Chloe’s not as attractive and fun to be around as The Brunette is, who would Adam prefer to be with? The one who is the most attractive and fun, right? The problem is that according to Chloe, that’s not her. She’s unconsciously blessed The Brunette with all the qualities she believes she doesn’t have – making The Brunette powerful and herself, powerless.

Chloe’s situation is one that many of us face or have faced at some point in our lives. Feelings of inadequacy plague us all in some version or another. When we come across someone who we believe possesses a quality we want but don’t have, we can experience them as a threat to our sense of self-worth. The thing is that we all have the potential to be sexy, beautiful, intelligent, attractive or whatever we want to be. We just need to realise that we already are those things. And we need to stop allowing ourselves to buy into the belief that these qualities don’t belong to us.

2 suggestions:

1. Hi Me,

If you look in the mirror or at a picture of yourself, and grimace when you don’t look amazing, I invite you to begin to shift this response. From today onwards, every time you see yourself (mirror/video/photo), just say the words, “This is me.” This is a judgement-free reminder that you exist in many different ways, from beautiful to messy to sexy to shy, and all of these ways of being are okay.

Remember that even the sexiest person you can imagine, wakes up in the morning with morning breath and sans make-up. Stop comparing yourself to the moments of seeming-perfection you come across in other people’s lives. These Instagrammable, picture-perfect moments, are giving you a skewed perception of beauty.

2. Make your Self a peaceful place to be

We don’t become okay with who we are by boosting our self-esteem. To boost my self-esteem is to compare myself to another and to think of myself as “better”. This is fickle because eventually, I will meet someone who is “better” than me in some way and all of a sudden, I become worse. So, let go of self-esteem, it is not your friend.

Instead, learn to be compassionate with yourself, ex. “I put on weight and my dress doesn’t fit anymore. It makes me feel insecure and irritated with myself. This is hard. It’s okay, I’m here for me.” When you don’t abandon and berate yourself for being less than perfect, you are less likely to glorify another as being better than you, because you are with yourself as you are. It is easier to like yourself when you’ve got your back and you’re taking care of yourself like you would your niece or your daughter. If your daughter/niece told you they’d put on weight, would you give them shit about it or tell them they’re beautiful and you know what, weight is not a measure of someone’s worthiness?

When we are peaceful within ourselves, we can be peaceful with the other women at the party because they are no longer threatening to us. Their presence no longer makes us feel unworthy, because we’re on good terms with our inner selves and that means knowing that we are worthy. In this way, “The Brunette bitch trying to steal my man” becomes “the attractive woman chatting with my man who loves me”.

If this is something you want to discuss further, get in touch with me. Follow my Instagram stories where we talk everyday. Coping with feelings of inadequacy is tough, it’s easier when you have support.

Sending you love and reminding you that you are enough,


Read about coping with jealousy within romantic relationships.

Book a therapy session with Emma.

Keep in touch with Emma on Instagram.

Published by

Emma Hogg, Founder of A Life I Choose

Hi! I'm Emma. I’m a psychotherapist who lives, breathes and eats the science of joyfulness, wellness and achievement. All the work I do is fuelled by my deep wish to belong to a world where people actively choose their lives! A person without choice is an unhappy individual. A person who passionately and resiliently lives their purpose experiences joy and fulfilment daily. If you’re like me and you see that the more people are consciously engaging in life, the happier our world will be, then we need you to be a beacon of this message by living it! My blog is one of my ways of creating dialogue with you, so that together, we can have a greater impact on our world. x

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