It’s totally normal for sexual desire to wane when we’ve been with our romantic partners for a while. But, when we believe there’s no way of re-igniting passion, we become stuck. We sometimes imagine that the only way we can become sexually alive again is through a relationship with someone else. But, you don’t have to reach for the divorce papers just yet, there are ways to re-kindle sexual desire within long-term relationships.
Forget what you know about your partner
The tricky thing about sexual desire is that it’s usually triggered in the presence of people we don’t know all that well. We look at strangers through fresh eyes and our interaction is new, energetic and intriguing. We don’t actually know these people… we don’t know if they’d like it if we bit them or whether they prefer to be on top… Instead, we fill in these gaps of knowing with our imagination.
When we’re in a relationship for a while, we often forget to look at our partners with curiosity. We assume we know them. Do you remember how you used to look at your partner when they were new to you? You were curious… you wanted to get to know this person; what made them tick, whether you could pleasure them, and what it would be like to allow them to pleasure you.
I invite you to look at your partner with curiosity. Put aside what you think you know about them and become curious about what you don’t know. The truth is, we never fully know anyone. We grow and change, our partners grow and change… and this is such a blessing for sexual desire, because it is in the mysterious that sexual desire appears.
Do you fantasise about people who aren’t your partner?
If you fantasise about what it would be like to be with another person, don’t stress. Allow yourself to fantasise and bring that sexual energy into your relationship. You are not sinning by becoming excited at the idea of having it off with the barman of your local pub. Just make sure to give yourself and your partner the gift of bringing that erotic energy into your relationship.
If you don’t use it, you lose it
If you’re not having sex regularly, you’re unlikely to become aroused quickly and often. Waiting to be “in the mood” to have sex, is like waiting to be “in the mood” to work out. Both these activities bring a lot of feel-good hormones and positive results, but we’re lazy creatures who don’t often feel like doing what’s good for us. To get yourself into a sexual rhythm, you need to prime yourself to do so.
If you agree with your partner on a time and stick to it, you will be surprised by how well your body will respond to setting this intention. You might not feel instantly aroused, but give it a few minutes! Stay with your intention, trust the process, and your body will soon follow. If you do this often enough, you will notice that your libido will switch back on and will start asking you for sex without you having to coax it.
Remember, look at your partner like you’re meeting them for the first time, fuel your sex with fantasy and do it, do it, do it! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Book a therapy session with Emma.
Read more about relationships.